apathy stew

I went over to my brother's house last night to watch Lifetime Television For Women with my sister-in-law. We watched the Jacqueline Susann story. Like any Lifetime movie, it was mediocre yet strangely compelling. Jacqueline Susann wanted her name in lights from day one. Nothing was going to stop her. It was interesting to see how preoccupied she was with becoming a star. She did it, though. Maybe you have to breathe fame to achieve it...

I'm an attention whore. I would love to be a star, in some capacity. I occasionally fantasize that a famous music producer happens upon me singing and is so overwhelmed by the siren-like quality of my voice that he insists I record an album that very day. In my dreams, I have a good voice. We also still record albums in my dreams.

I also have wandering dreams about mathematics. It's usually seventy minutes into my Statistics class when my attention takes a stroll. I imagine that I can see all numbers and equations holistically. I easily point out that instead of these fifteen steps we trudge through to formula completion, we can just square the original sum to find the same answer. Or something really clever like that. And then I become known everywhere for my genius and people turn to me to solve math problems for them. Oh, I so want to be a math genius. Someday I will appear on seventh grade classroom walls everywhere with a clever quote beneath my image. Someday.

My point is that I've always assumed that some capacity of fame will beckon me. One day, I will find myself in that perfectly timed place. I could always become more motivated to achieve fame, but it's not that important to me. Unlike Jacqueline Susann, I'd much rather be really happy living a fairly low-profile life now, and then *bam*. My mathematical stardom beckons. I'll be ready.

As I was driving home after the movie last night, Through the Years came on the radio. The song made me cry. Oh Kenny, wherever you are, you've still got a place in my heart.

I didn't remember my dream last night, though I am sure it had something to do with my illicit love affair with Kenny Rogers, since I still can't get Through the Years out of my head.